Well. I don’t really have trouble sleeping. I’ve always been good at sleeping. But, I do have this gnawing feeling that I carry around in my gut most of the time, because I’m guarding myself against having someone find out I’m writing a book and then asking me what it’s about and then having them have to listen to me trying to figure out how to put it into words. I don’t want to be the cause of their eyes glazing over while they think to themselves, “Those minutes right there? I’ll never get them back. Not ever.”
So, here’s what I understand: I know not every book is for every person. Remember last year, when I made my way through 699 pages of The Goldfinch before realizing this was not the book for me and deciding I was never going to find out what happened to that guy and the painting? That book is a New York Times Bestseller book, but still. It wasn’t for me.
Just because it wasn’t for me doesn’t make it a stupid book. And, there will be people out there who won’t want to be bothered with the book I’m writing. But that won’t mean it’s a stupid book. Like I said: I don’t even know what a stupid book would look like.
Once each month, on Sunday night, a small group of people gather at our church to pray together. Last Sunday was our prayer Sunday and I rode over to the church with H and sat next to him in the very front pew. Don’t let the size of this group fool you. They may be small in number, but they are mighty, and they believe in praying together and out loud. Show up on a prayer night, all worn out from trying and worrying and beating back the darkness, and you will be glad about it. I promise. Show up on a prayer night with rejoicing in your heart, and you will find your joy multiplied by the time the last “Amen” is spoken.
Last Sunday, I prayed out loud with this small band of warriors, and I said I don’t want the book to be stupid. I put it out there—in front of God and everyone else, because it’s been sitting heavy in my gut, like a dusty, steel-toed, leather boot with its tongue hanging out and dragging on the floor. I had more words to say about my stupid book worries than I knew were in there, and I got them out, right there on the very first pew. And then, of course, I felt guilty because I felt as if I’d hijacked the prayer time and made it all about me.
How quickly I forget the importance of community and of doing life together.
There was hardly a beat between the last word of my praying and the first word of the prayer of the woman beside me in that pew. Lori lifted up my worried heart and carried it and all my cares right up into the very lap of Jesus, and she spoke a blessing over me and into me and through me and around me, and the small band of pray-ers around us murmured their affirmation and agreement. Lori’s words changed the quality of the air around me and her words were like incense before the throne of God. And when Lori finished praying, Jana added one little sentence that sealed the deal for me.
Prayer changes things. It does.
That was Sunday. On Monday, I got an email from the marketing people at Baker Publishing, and they wanted me to approve some of the copy they’ll be using to promote the book in one of their upcoming catalogs. They included an excerpt from the book, and when I read them, the words I wrote were not stupid. They weren’t. They aren’t. Just like that, the very next day after Lori prayed for me and my concerns about writing a stupid book, I got an email that reminded me what Lori and Jana and everyone prayed, and what God wants me to know: this book is his idea, and I am simply the instrument he’s using to make it happen. God is not in the business of stupid.
On Monday night, my editor sent an email to say she has begun reading through my book for the first time. She wasn’t supposed to start reading it until January, because of other projects on her plate. So, to have her write to tell me she’s reading it and she is loving it? Well, I credit that timing to God.
And so, a side note here, or maybe it’s the main note: Growing up, my sister and I were never allowed to use the word “stupid.” It was like a swear word in our house. There were no stupid people or ideas. There still aren’t. If you’ve been dogging yourself with that word, might I encourage you to lay it down? Write it on a piece of paper and burn that paper for good. You are created in the image of God, and there is no stupid there.
Some questions for you: Maybe “stupid” isn’t the word you use against yourself. What is your word? When did you decide it was okay to use that word when talking about yourself and your dreams and the work of your hands? What if you struck that word from your vocabulary? What would change? What words do you think God uses to describe you?
Deidra, I just love this. And you. And GOD who is doing big things through little you. I can’t wait to read your totally awesome, written out of obedience book, and am confident that it will be the polar opposite of stupid. It will be magnanamous, spectacular, outrageously inspiring and special…I know it because it is from Him, through you, and so it simply must be. I love you friend.
Wow. Magnanimous. Now THERE’s a word!!!
Of course, she is loving your book. How could she not?
Thanks, Marcus!
God is NOT in the business of stupid. Love that and love what He’s doing through you. Thank you!
Thanks for coming over to hang out in my living room for a bit. Made my day!
Definitely made mine! You and your home are both so warm and welcoming. Thank you for having us!
*smiling*
Right back at you!
I am sooooooooooo happy that your editor is loving your book – I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! That sounds smug, but it’s not…it’s just happiness for you!!!! Yay!!!!!
🙂
Can’t wait for it, Deidra 🙂
Thanks, Susan!
First, I’m fairly positive your won’t write a s-word book.
Second, my word is small. It’s a word of false-humility, I think, one that gives me an out for having tried and not succeeded.
I hope it’s not that other s-word, either. 🙂
Hmmm. Small. Another s-word?
I love praying with godly people like you prayed with on Sunday, Deidra. If we’re not quite up to pounding on heaven’s doors then they’ll just do it for us. This is what community and family’s all about.
And that ain’t stupid …
Amen to that!
Well, I am totally sure your book won’t be the s-word. My word is ineffective. I don’t want to run an ineffective non-profit. I don’t want to do charity wrong. I don’t want to do missions wrong. I don’t want to write words that just make noise without making an impact. I don’t want to homeschool my boys only to find out they do not have the tools they need to succeed. I am terrified of being ineffective and sometimes it keeps me from stepping out and leading because I am afraid for people to stand with me and support me and then be disappointed. I have to constantly pull myself back to Him. His work. His love. His word. Always effective. Never comes back void.
Ugh! “Ineffective.” Yep. I know that one, too.
I don’t comment on blog posts very often but I feel compelled to comment on this one–your book is the one I am looking very much forward to reading. Somehow I found your blog and I love your writing. I find what you write about interesting and timely to what I am experiencing in my life. I especially enjoy your writing style so, I would agree with everyone else; it will not be a stupid book. I can’t wait to read it.
Please keep writing and showing me and the rest of us what God’s grace looks like in this world we live in.
Ramona, thanks so much for sharing these words of encouragement with me. I truly appreciate your words. And you.
Ah, sweetheart. I so get this. And I’m so exhausted by it. And you did exactly the right thing – you took it to the people and to God. AMEN. And stupid was a bad word in my house growing up, too. And when I raised my kids, as well. But what I say to myself? Oh, yeah. All the words I’d never dream of saying to another living soul. Sigh. I’m workin’ on it – and have been for a long, long time. Getting better actually. So from this ole lady, I’m tellin’ you – prayer DOES change things. Love you. Love this post. Love all the posts flooding out of you these days. Oh, my.
It IS tiring, Diana. And prayer makes a difference. I’m praying for you today, friend. And, just so you know, “ole lady” are never the words I’d use to describe you. Funny. Witty. Wise. Caring. Passionate. Smart. Friend. Compassionate. Fierce. Strong. I could go on and on. But not “ole lady.” Nope. That doesn’t even come to mind. 🙂
I love the description of your prayer meeting. That’s how I feel about our prayer nights at church-the most important thing we do in my opinion! And I am so excited to read that book of yours!
Agreed. The most important thing.
Okay, you got me. My palms are sweaty and tears are filling my eyes. Because, “stupid” was not allowed in my life, either, and I’ve been using it. And I’ve been dodging the book that I believe in my heart God has for me to complete and it’s because I’m so afraid. I’m afraid to pursue that out of faith like I’m afraid of my own blessed pregnancy that I waited for so long to see happen that was totally out of faith, not because I wanted it per say, but because I believed it would be His will. I’m ignoring it a lot of the time — both the pregnancy and the book — and sometimes even wishing it wasn’t because it’d be “easier” that way. {gasp} But what seems easier isn’t ever actually easier because of how it eats me up inside. I haven’t faced either. And I’ve forgotten the importance of community, too; how, I need people to bolster me and that alone is the biggest act of faith for me these days — to accept my need for others and receive them; to be brave in allowing others to bolster me. It’s all a pride thing for me: I want to know for sure. But that’s not what a life of faith is about. He will forever remind me of my need for Him. {deep breath} I can’t wait to see what He’s done in and through your words, sister. I’d love to be a part of your early reader and promotion team, just so you know; not to have a selfish sneak peak, but because I’m just so excited to say “He did this”. And that’s exactly the three words I remember He wants me to say in my own life with the book and the pregnancy. He. Did. This. And, I can rest. There is no stupid.
Nope. No stupid. And it’s a journey, complete with fits and starts. Of course it’s easier to see the path clearly when it’s someone else’s journey and we are in the role of onlooker or bystander or cheerleader. But when it’s us trying to figure out where to step next, the fog rolls in and the road suddenly twists and turns. God knew we needed each other to find our way to what he’s doing—has already done—in us.
I get that gnawing, Deidra, as I work and rework this manuscript that is due the beginning of February. I feel that gnawing over the wrestling through of the title — which is up for discussion again after I thought it was settled. But, I’m learning, like you, that prayer is the solution to the gnawing. Thanks for a fresh reminder this morning. And I’m seeing more and more that yielding it all to God is what ushers in the peace and puts off the fretting. These books — they are His words, His purpose. We writers are just the vessel by which He chooses to work. May His will be done.
Amen, Elisa. Amen. And, while I wish you didn’t have to feel the gnawing, too, it does make me breathe a little easier knowing you do feel it.
I so needed this, Deidra. Thank you my very wise and articulate and Spirit-led, obedient friend. I love you.
Oh, good! I’m glad you got something you needed here. Leave it to God to do his thing through insecure, doubtful me.
Oh no, you guys. I hope this didn’t sound like I was fishing for encouragement. I really just wanted to sing the praises of the power of prayer and offer you permission to let go of the negative words we use against ourselves sometimes. But, thank you for your kind, kind words, and your confidence in the Holy Spirit. You are my people.
I can’t wait to read your book, Deidra. And really love this reminder of the power of prayer. I’m catching on to that. Your post nudges me to drop in on prayer night at our church. My word? Probably two words. . . not enough. I really needed this encouragement. I really need to remove those two words from my vocabulary. Just want to hug you because I am grateful for how you share your heart. xoxo
Oh! I hope you DO try the prayer night. At least once. I think that’s really the heart of the local church. More than Sunday morning. I really do. Have you ever read Jim Cymbala’s book When God’s People Pray? Wow! I highly recommend it!
Thank you for the encouragement, Deidra, and for the book recommendation. I will be sure to check it out. I love adding books to my must read list. 🙂 Wishing you a wonderful day.
Btw, my husband asked what I wanted for Christmas last night and my response was: “To go to the Jumping Tandem retreat.” 🙂
Blessings.
“How quickly I forget the importance of community and of doing life together.” Oh, how I get this and I am getting it more and more and forgetting it less. And by the way, I am looking forward to getting my hands on that book of yours when it’s available for us out here is blog land.
Love this Deidra. I am passionate to see writers, authors, speakers etc. use their gifts & words to glorify God. I am excited to see people come together to honor & serve him with our unique styles, approaches & understandings. I’m looking forward to seeing what you are working on. For me, the word would be nonsense. Only last year did I start trying to get the words out again. It’s taken some time to write through the thick fogs & clogged wheels of my mind due to (anxiety, depression, PTSD, major life changes, trauma, whatever you want to call it). I push through to find the words stuck in crevices and waiting to be unlodged. I keep writing to get the motors running. My hope is to drive forward in a way that brings scattered thoughts to cohesive functionality. Yep, I don’t want to write a nonsense book. Because that would just not make sense.
So it took me a day or so to come up with my word – “failure.” And a little bit longer to come up with its replacement – “overcomer.” And yesterday I was a little shocked at how many times the word or the feeling of failure goes through my head. And thankful at the reminders to replace it. Thanks for this post, Deidra.