I wanted to be like them. At least, the them I saw from my vantage point as a little girl.
Now, my son lives in Brooklyn and I live in Nebraska. He lives in a studio apartment. I don’t think it’s on the top floor of his building. Having a son living in a studio apartment in Brooklyn may be the closest I ever get to living in a penthouse in New York City.
When I moved to Nebraska, I was less than impressed with my surroundings. But, over time, my heart or my soul or my mind has wrapped itself around this state with its corn and football and never-ending skies. I still love New York. When I make my way back there, my heart beats faster and my step quickens and I eat food from a truck on the corner near Central Park. But Nebraska is home. I never thought I’d say that out loud, much less write it in a blog post and hit publish for all the world to see.
It is a funny thing, the way a place grows on us.
My son came home for Thanksgiving. He took an entire series of pictures of our windows and he posted them on social media and talked about the light in our house. One afternoon, when the temperature outdoors pressed itself into the sixties, my son and I took a slow bike ride around the neighborhood. We played basketball in the driveway and we used a whiffle ball because that’s all we had in the garage. We discovered whiffle balls don’t bounce the same way basketballs bounce.
For a long time, in his heart, my son wanted to live in New York City. We lived in Connecticut when he was young and, from time to time, we took him into the city, just because. Now he lives there. He’s living his dream. When I ask him how he likes living in New York he doesn’t miss a beat. “I love it,” he says, as if there was never any reason to even raise the question.
Last night was his last evening here before he and his girlfriend left our home after their week-long visit, and headed back to the bright lights. Big city. So, we cooked for him. H fried chicken wings; his specialty. I made more stuffing and cranberry sauce because our son wanted one more heaping plateful before he left. We sat around the table and I tried not to stare at him too hard or too long, but I couldn’t help it. I needed to soak him in because who knows when we’ll see each other again? And when I asked him, “What’s the biggest challenge about living in New York?” he said, “Finding space.” He stretched his arms out wide when he said it, and he spread his fingers as far as they would go. “Nebraska,” he said, “has space.”
The house is quiet now. Our son and his girlfriend spent the day getting themselves from Nebraska back to New York City. Our daughter left last Friday for Pennsylvania. H and I are discovering this new empty nest. Sometimes I feel as if I’ve lived a thousand lives. Time is such a mystery, the way it weaves itself a story through our days and with our places and our things and our people, too.
The tag on my tea bag reads, “Life is a chance. Love is infinity. Grace is reality.” What I know for sure is that I’m grateful for the way the mug fits in my hand, the way love fills the space between my son and my daughter and me and H while we live a thousand lives on different parts of the globe. And grace. It is real and it makes life a chance worth taking.
Some questions for you: Are you living where you always dreamed you’d be? Which do you prefer, the city or the country, or something in between? What’s the greatest challenge about living where you live?
One of my favorite quotes is from The 3 Stooges – “Are you married or you do live in the city” – I think you could write a book on what that means! LOL – I grew up on Main Street USA – and I loved main street living. I think I always wanted to be in the country – but when I go back home where Main Street has been swallowed up by the big city – I still get that feeling you describe when I go home. Main Street living is a part of me – but where God’s taken me is, too! I love your house, the windows – and all that space! Seems like God might have planted a seed there! Shalom, Deidra!
Oh my gosh! The Three Stooges! My husband is such a fan of those guys!
I think will always be home, you know? No matter where that is. And yes to the seed being planted. Trusting the roots will soon take hold and grow deep.
Here I was about to go to bed and then I read this beauty from you, and now my mind swirls with thoughts of time and space and where I thought I’d be, and the reality of where I am–and the abounding and flagrant grace of it all,( to borrow from my buddy, Brennan Manning…) like you I wanted to live the New York life. I wanted design school, Parsons, and a high rise apartment set the the backdrop of steady traffic and endless noise. I wanted to wear little black dresses to work and wear my dark hair in a classic French twist, a la Audrey Hepburn in Brekfast at Tiffanys….I didn’t want anything that would hold me down or hold me back. But my dreams were selfish, and built on plots meant for sand castles, not things that would last and have kingdom value. I didn’t know how good the life of a disciple could be, I wanted New York because it was all about me in those days. Now, it’s different.
It’s better than what I wanted. My life in the suburbs, with children around and a husband who adores us, this is the sweeter dream I didn’t know I’d want.
I was about to go bed when I noticed this comment from you!
Oh, I love the way you painted this picture. You would rock a LBD with a French twist. Man! Isn’t it something, the way our lives twist and turn without our really noticing just how we change with the times? It’s all good. Every good and perfect gift.
I, too, lived in Connecticut (New Haven), and I commuted to New York City! (I’m saying this with my mid-western accent like they do on those Pace commercials) and now live in the heartland (Missouri). A strange turn of geographical events, indeed. I’m learning to be content where I have landed, though I miss the East Coast, terribly.
My challenge here in the middle of life and sleep (perhaps, this is a little harsh) is finding that element of what I refer to as a “New York Minute within an East Coast heart beat”. I miss the nightlight, the arts and entertainment, the food (lobster rolls) etc. I long for the ethnic sounds, smells, tastes, cultures, etc. from one block to the next.
But, the trade off: I have space here and blue skies that never end.
New Haven!?!? We lived in Hamden!!! And, I can hear your accent. 🙂
Yes. I hear you. What I’ve found here in this small town way of living is the need to plan ahead. There aren’t as many opportunities for spontaneous nights out on the town. Lincoln is growing, though and trying its best to welcome culture while keeping its small-town feel. But oh, the tastes and smells and changes in culture from one street to the next? That cannot be beat, and it’s one of my most favorite things about NYC!
You could not tell me that I was not going to be a New Yorker 20 yrs ago. My hs best friend and I were going to go to design school and get a studio apt in the city. We spent a few days there one summer and were hooked. We both ended up attending and finishing college in Texas. She actually moved to NYC after college and I believe she still lives there. I still live in Texas. Two different paths in life. I had the privilege to visit NYC again a couple of yrs ago w/my entire family in tow. And again, I still long to live there. I live in the suburbs of Houston and with a young family, it is the best fit for us. The greatest challenge is living in the same city my entire life. I experience other habitats on vacation and always wonder what it’s like to live elsewhere.
Design school sounds fabulous! One summer, I was in NYC with my children and we walked around the Meat Packing District and a good stretch on the Highline. Then, we wandered into Diane Von Furstenburg’s boutique. I dream of owning one of her dresses one day. This year, however, DVF has a “reality” television show where DVF is looking for a new brand ambassador. Have you seen it? It’s called The House of DVF. Every time they show a shot of the store or the neighborhood, I point to the television and say, “I was right there!”
How does your love of design impact your life in Houston?
I grew up in the country and small towns. We landed in Fremont, NE for four years. Eventually ended up living in a suburb 10 minutes from O’hare airport ( Chicago).. The hardest thing is seeing the earth meet the sky. I miss that the most. So every month or so I head out north and east to Illinois Beach State PArk ( the last “untamed beach” in ILL) and get my fix. I’d like to live on a beach somewhere. However the people I love most live here. So here we will probably stay. ( well one son moved his family to PortlanD this year and they do love in a beautiful place). Loved reading your piece tonight. Love the glimpse into your life. And look forward to seeing you next May.
Two things: You lived in Freemont?!?! And, You’ll be here in May?!?! Did I know these two things and forget them??? This is such great news!!!
Yes, Nebraska has amazing skies. At first, the gigantic sky made me feel strangely claustrophobic. Just yesterday, I drove to Omaha and noticed the difference in my perception of that landscape from when I first moved here to today. I used to think it looked like something from the Mad Max movies, and maybe it still does. But now, I can see the beauty there, even with the grass all brown and the corn stalks all brown and the fields all brown and dry.
both things are indeed true! I lived through the summer of the tornado in Omaha (watched it travel from our TV in Fremont) and the summer i was pregnant with our 2nd baby and it was over 100 for days on end and we had one air conditioner and I spent a lot of time in front of it and was still hot! In 1999, our son was on staff at the same church my husband pastored back in the 70’s. He got to preach the “installation” sermon. there are all kinds of stories (hard and good) that could be told around those two events! Can’t wait to meet you for real…
and yes, Nebraska has it’s own kind of beauty. I agree.
I don’t live in a penthouse in New York though New York City has always been my home. From Bed Stuy to Cypress Hills, to Harlem to Greenpoint and back again, it’s the place I came back to after brief stints in D.C, Massachusettes and Arizona. I didn’t imagine I’d live here forever. Big Daddy and I dream sometimes of owning a home in Atlanta, but with LiChai making a big transition to public high school next year and my quickly aging mama so close it feels right to relax here. We’re planning all sorts of upgrades and changes to our apartment next year. That’s a big step for renters. Thinking about this reminds me of something I used to say to the kids. I’d push a double stroller along 5th Ave every Friday and walk from 106th St down to the famed FAO toy store for story time. I’d tell the kids how fortunate we were while pointing out the beauty of a Central Park and the mile of museums…”Manhattan belongs to us” I’d say. I guess in a way it does.
Oh, how I am loving reading all these thoughts about the places you’ve lived and dreamed of living. You can paint a picture with the best of them, Lisha.
I have to tell you, when I think of NYC, I think of you. You and the city meld together in my mind, in all the best ways. I think I might be living vicariously through you.
Your writing and storytelling these days is simply divine, Deidra. I’m a Florida cracker, body and soul. My dream was always to live near the beach. I imagined after nursing school working for a hospital on the west coast (the beaches are so much prettier there) with a small apartment within walking distance of the beach and then spending my days off in a bathing suit at water’s edge. However, I married a sailor before I graduated, and after he left the Navy, he got his college degree in agriculture, and most of the farming in Florida is inland. I grew up in relatively small towns, but living the rural life was never in my dreams. It’s grown on me, though. I love the peace and solitude and open space and freedom. The greatest challenge is/has always been being content with the lack of resources – whether it’s shopping, doctors, entertainment or culture. If we need to go into the city for one thing, we do other things, as well. This fall I led the women’s study at my church (an hour from where we live) once a week, so I scheduled doctor appointments, had lunch out with friends, and did all my shopping that same day. There’s no running up to Wallymart at the last minute for something you need when you live in the boonies. You learn to live without.
In our new house, I can walk to the grocery store and the coffee shop and Walgreen’s and Subway and the ATM, but I have to keep reminding myself of that fact. My instinct is to hop in the car and drive to the south side of town for whatever it is my mind suddenly thinks it needs. Hearing about the way you make an event of a trip into town feels nostalgic and sweet. It’s all a matter of perspective, isn’t it?
On another note, tell me more about your women’s bible study! What did you study? What did you learn?
I just read at Diane’s that you saw the studies I led. Ann’s dvd study has only 5 25-minute lessons and we met for 11-weeks for 2 hours, so I had a lot of space to fill. I started working on it back in the spring and our small group pastor and I trained a team of ladies to help me for the study at church, and his wife and I wrote questions for the facilitators to use in small groups each week. We gave a copy of the devotional to the participants and divided the 60 devotions into 10 weeks of reading. Over the 11 weeks, the 1st hour each week varied. Sometimes it was a message from me, a shorter message from me with a video from Ann, a special project (we prepared Operation Christmas Child Shoe Boxes for Samaritan’s Purse, had a Sole-Hope shoe-cutting party, made a special craft), twice we had communion, and once we had a guest speaker. The second hour, the ladies met in small groups of 10-12 ladies, facilitated by a trained leader. We also had a short time of worship most weeks, and ended with a celebration luncheon. It was a lot of work, but I loved it. Before I was diagnosed with RA I had many opportunities to speak – at retreats, luncheons, and I’ve even given a couple of messages from the pulpit in years past. It was so good to be given this opportunity again in this season of my life…even if my speaking/leadership skills had rusted a bit and it took a while to get my mojo back. =)
Oh, I love the idea of you in the pulpit, Patricia. I’d like to be there to hear that some day.
The house my heart yearns for is just a few miles from the sea …
I hear the ocean waves even as we speak.
My other dream house would be near the water. Maybe one of the Great Lakes, near forests and hiking trails. We talk about retiring in Michigan, and then remember Michigan’s winters…
I was weeping reading this. Nebraska is space. I am living where I always dreamed of. I LOVE my neighbors, but it’s a little uncomfortable that they are always within a few feet of me. I feel “watched” (not that I’m interesting enough to watch). Yet, growing up in a town of 250 people, I sometimes felt uncomfortable because I felt too alone in too large of a space. It is so funny to me that the most exotic things to my children are seeing stars and farms.
Our neighbors are very close to us, too. I am having to get used to being able to see into their home from the windows in my house. They are good neighbors, though. We have always had the very best neighbors.
I’d love to hear more about this dreamy place where you live. What do you love best about it?
I guess it’s dreamy because, growing up, I always dreamed of living in a city and having neighbors from several cultures. In the ten houses directly around ours, I can count, at least, seven distinct cultures. Which is nice, for many reasons, especially because each of our family members feels like they obviously fit here. [By the way, I also LOVE being so close to many neighbors because they’re great, and it feels safe.]
I’ve dreamed of both country and city living. At times I think I would be easily convinced to pack up and move to San Diego to be closer to my son and his wife. But truth is, our home is home. I love that our eldest still calls it home. Maybe I am where I always dreamed I’d be . . . a place that is always considered as home.
Your words, Deidra, have really been touching my heart.
Yes, Beth. When my husband decided it was time to move from our little rental last summer and buy a house here in Lincoln, I told him I wanted a “Grandmother House.” No pressure on my kids, but I wanted a house that would be an anchor for our family. We have moved so many times in our 28 years of marriage. I wanted a home where our children would always know where to find us, and where they can always come home. I realize home is more than a building on a street or on a road or in a field, but it was important to me to have a place for them where they can always find us.
I grew up in a small town and then after college moved to a little bit bigger small town. I had the idea that we would move to the city one day. When we traveled, I would think, “I could live here.” But over the last year, I’ve noticed a shift. I visit new places and think, “It’s nice, but I’m sure glad I live where I do.” We are in a small town a couple hours northwest of Lincoln. When we go to the “city” that means Lincoln or Omaha to us. I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. Luckily, my in-laws and much of our family and friends live in Lincoln and Omaha, so we get our “city” fix quite regularly!
Next time you’re headed to Lincoln, you should stop by for a cup of coffee or tea! I’d love to meet you face-to-face.
The last time I went to NYC, I noticed that, for the first time I didn’t say, “I could live here.” I think I could. I just don’t know if I want to anymore. Living in a place is not the same as visiting a place, and I wonder if the wonder would wear off, you know?
Yes! I know what you mean. I always thought I wanted to live in Florida some day. Then we flew there for my son’s Make-A-Wish trip, and he ended up in the hospital. All of the sudden my reality intersected with my imagined “happy place.” It helped me realize peace isn’t about the location of my body, it’s about the location of my soul. I would love to meet you face-to-face, Deidra. Some time lets make that happen!
Glory. Deidra, I can’t help but step tippy toe across every one of your words. Me and my momma heart hear you. Delicious.
Sending you a squeeze across the miles, Lorretta. Much love.
I was just fighting today my ability to be able to “receive grace”,then “accept grace”.. and I see this… Thanks. The older i get , the more the country/woods matter… smile. I love quiet. I am NOT where I’d always dreamed I would be.. in fact I am as surprised as you are to be in Nebraska! I live in Oklahoma and i still wake up quite shocked sometimes… The greatest challenge about living where I live as a native New Yorker has been adjusting to the culture. My friendships are so different… i cant explain… but they have drastically changed. My relationship with my husband is stronger, though. we went on a walk in the woods the other day… smile
A walk in the woods? So divine.
I think you’ve told me a little bit of your Oklahoma story before. Such a different culture, isn’t it? My friendships here in Nebraska are different, too. Good. Oh, so good. And different. I like it. A lot. And this is a think I never would have know if God hadn’t opened up the door for me to (unwillingly, at first) live here in this season.
Are you glad about the move to Oklahoma?
I wasn’t at first. I’ve acquiesced. Once I accepted it, I began to see the beauty ok ok in it, and this place as part of His assignment for my life. Amen. I can handle any assignment ok nce I see a place for His glory to manifest. Selah.
Deidra, I DO live where I always dreamed. Growing up listening to Amy Grant, one of my favorite songs was Mountain Top . . “And I’d love to live on a mountain top, fellowshipping with the Lord.” When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I used to answer “a hermit.” Grizzly Adams and The Wilderness Family were my heroes. But I really never dreamed it would happen, until our house tucked into the side of this mountain in the Blue Ridge kind of fell into our laps. It was a total surprise and is a daily reassurance that God cares about our deep delights and desires. It is a constant testimony to me of His love.
Wouldn’t it be something to have Amy Grant come to your house to see what she inspired in you? I’m envisioning a little concert with twinkling lights and good friends. Wow…
My dreams were always somewhere else in the big wide world. And throughout college and the seven and a half years after college I followed them. Around the world, around the US.
Then, two kids later while living a few states away, we started talking about coming back. We wanted to be a short drive from family and lifelong friends. We wanted to raise our kids close enough to their cousins to really know them.
But even when my husband found a job in St. Louis, I certainly didn’t expect us to move in my old community. But here we are.
We will celebrate a year of life back “home” at the end of January. (What a year it has been).
I just talked to a friend from Minnesota yesterday. She said “As much as I hate to admit it, you are home. You are where you are meant to be. I hear it all over what you are saying.” I am. I ran far and wide from “home” but in this season, it’s good to be back by my roots. I love this city and its people more than I ever knew I would.
I’m so glad you’re there. Could it be for such a time as this? Meeting you while I was in Ferguson was truly a highlight of that trip for me. Your heart and your faith inspire, girlfriend. The city is blessed to have you there. And I am honored to know you.
Deidra, I love that you can finally say you love Nebraska and that is home, since I know a little about the journey you took to get to that point! This was a beautiful post and I enjoyed reading it immensely! Although I think I had dreamed earlier of living in another place, like the East Coast, or the Pacific Northwest, I think i am really where I am meant to be. That is largely due to being with the people I love (with some of those people planning to move back to Nebraska soon which makes my heart sing!) But it is also because of those wide open spaces, unique scenic beauty, friendly people, and lots of places to find goodness and joy here. I think I am where God wants me to be.
I think you are, too, Jan. And I’m glad we’re here together.
For decades I’ve dreamed of living in London the same way you’ve dreamed of New York. When I leave after visiting, I feel heart sick, like I’m leaving home and going back to visiting. I’ve never felt at home in the South and especially small town South. I’m a big city girl who longs for cultural diversity on every street corner. What I’ve learned living in small town South for the past 11 years, though filled with dense loneliness, I wouldn’t trade for anything. It’s been a bittersweet journey and I’m grateful.
You and I are continually marveling at our similar journeys, right down to being married to men we call “H.”
That wilderness journey you’ve been on? Oh, how I relate to it. I would never wish it on anyone else but (and I imagine you already know where I’m headed with this) I also would never change it. Let’s not kid ourselves, though: I certainly wanted to wish myself out of it many times over. I’m no big, brave warrior or anything. But, now that I’ve come through the worst of what that was, I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. I may visit the wilderness again, and if I do, I won’t like it. But I have to trust that God is always in the middle of the wilderness, even when I can’t see him through the fog.
I’m praying for you and H, Shelly. Your dream is just around the corner, girl, and God hasn’t left you. He never will.
When I was a seminary student full of ideals, I looked with scorn at veteran pastors who made decisions about where they would serve based on salary, and what’s good for their kids and their families. I was single, in my 20’s, and I thought it was all about call.
Now, 45 is in view. I have three kids. I still think about call. But I also think God calls us with kids and family in mind. Sometimes God calls a family into impoverished environments and tough situation. The entire family – the pastor, the spouse, the kids – all endure the hardships of the call. I still think that happens.
But also I think when it happens, God makes it pretty clear – clear enough that the pastor feels assurance in putting his or her family in situations they would not choose were it not for the call.
As for me, now, I find myself calling Chapel Hill, NC home. If we last one more year, it will be the longest I have ever lived in one house. When we first got the call to come here, my wife and I were both a bit hesitant. What would it be like in “the South?” We were in Cosmopolitan Northern Virginia, just across the river from the center of power and influence, DC! Did we want to leave that and go south of all places?
It happened and I really like Chapel Hill. I love the church I am serving. But I have a harder imagining leaving where we live than I do leaving the church. I know won’t pastor this church forever. I would not mind it if the last place I live before I die is Chapel Hill. If that is the case, I’ll probably be here another 40 years and that would be OK.
I think Pastors and their families bear scars no one else will never know or understand. I’m not saying Pastors are martyrs or anything, but it’s a unique calling in this world of ours. I imagine you might never know the deep and lasting impact your ministry is having on the people you serve, there in Chapel Hill, and how your presence there makes them feel more secure in the places they call home.
Lord, I pray your blessing on Rob and on his beautiful family and on the work of his hands. Give grace to his congregation. We pray for the community surrounding the church and ask you to protect and to provide and to heal and to nurture them toward you. And we ask for peace beneath the roof where Rob and his family live. We pray their home becomes the epicenter of peace in their community, wherever you call them to stay or to go. Amen.
Thanks very much. I too pray God will bless you and Harry in your work. Thanks again.
Oh, my, Dee. This is simply gorgeous. And may I just gently say this? “WELCOME HOME.” I love what is pouring out of you now that you’ve found yourself again. (I love all of it, but this week had been rich, rich.) And yes, I am living in a place I dreamed of living – it isn’t heaven, but it’s dang close. 🙂
I’m so glad you’re home, Diana. I’m so glad your life crosses mine, despite the miles between us. And heaven? Well, it’s closer than we think, isn’t it?
Living somewhere I never imagined I would live! But we have an old house, and my husband is living his calling.. and my girl is flourishing..
It’s good when the people we love are doing well, isn’t it? I mean, that’s just about heaven on earth, I think.