“There is a long history of asking African-Americans to endure racism silently; it’s characterized as grace, as strength.” @lesellele (on Twitter).
The grace thing is being over- and mis- used.
When I worked at EVEREVE (the most racist and abusive work environment I’ve ever experienced), the leadership there kept asking me to be gracious.
Melanie Koup (Chief of Stores), Megan Callan (Regional Director), and Megan Tamte (co-CEO) repeatedly placed the grace and patience request on the table.
Once, after a customer hit me in the face and knocked my glasses off my body and onto the floor, I reported it to Megan Fitzgerald, my manager. Her reply? First: “What did you do?”
When my feedback to HR included concern about limited advancement opportunities beyond my position as store manager, Kelly Farrish (Vice President of Talent) replied by saying, “Yes. We hear that a lot…Oh, but Deidra. My goodness! You started as a part-time stylist and now you’re a store manager! You’ve moved up so quickly.” <—- Gaslighting.
Megan Tamte once told me, after asking me to be patient while they worked on their diversity issues, “Your dream is not going to come true here.”
And still, “We’re asking for grace. Please be patient.”
I Belong Wherever I Show Up
I belong wherever I show up. I know that to be true. I belong as myself and not as a watered down version of me.
The other day, Erin reached out to tell me she didn’t like the way I talked about white people. She didn’t like that I was using generalizations. She didn’t think it was fair. I respect her right to feel how she felt.
Erin and I spent the good part of a day emailing back and forth with her telling me how she didn’t like how I said what I said and me telling her I didn’t appreciate her telling me how to talk about my lived experience.
In the end, Erin told me (completely unsolicited by me) that, “in the interest of good faith,” I could feel free to share our exchange, but not to use her name.
So. I should not speak generally about white people, but I also cannot speak specifically about her?
People. No.
I talk about what I want to talk about, the way I want to talk about it. This is my very own space. I write on my very own blog and my very own Instagram feed. You get to decide whether or not to follow along. No one is making you be here.
Once We Truly See Each Other
Dissent and differing opinions are welcome. Here is the key to that, though: the goal is not to change anyone’s opinion. I am not here to bully you into seeing things my way. I am here to teach you how to see me, just as I am learning how to see you. Once we truly see each other, we can begin to move toward one another.
The goal is to increase our capacity for engaging difference without feeling threatened by differences. The goal is to honor the capacity and desire for growth in each other.
We are being transformed here, not conforming. It’s a thin and nuanced line we are walking.
Yes, I get angry. Yes, my feelings get hurt. Yes, I sometimes cry. Or scream. Or disengage. I am human. Aren’t we all?
Grace for Me
When you hear me say I bless your leaving and your staying, you need to understand that the grace I am extending is to myself. The patience I have is for the process.
I don’t have grace for your fragility or privilege or latent feelings of supremacy. I have understanding. I see it for what it is, even when you do not. I do not have patience for your insistence that I do and say my things in ways that make you more comfortable. I understand why you insist as you do, even when you perceive yourself to be extending grace toward me. You are not.
Inextricably Connected
I recognize we will always be connected to one another. If I am to truly live into the sacredness of the Truth of our eternal connectedness, I must bless your going, without malice in my heart toward you. I do it for myself, and not for you.
I am not “letting you go” or “releasing you.” I do not claim you, understand? I hold your presence here very lightly, because to do so, for me, is grace.
I believe you will find your way, as I am finding mine. It doesn’t matter if you like me. This work and our living of it is about Love. Love grows and heals and mends and binds, regardless of our enneagram numbers, or astrological signs, or emotional intelligence, or values, or beliefs, or favorite color. We are inextricably connected to each other, forever and always.
What questions do you have? What emotion/s does this stir up in you? Tell me.
TRUTH. That is all. Thank you.
Deidra, I am so thankful for your willingness to share with us the grace you have for yourself. Truly, it is a privilege to be mentored by your truth and example. And more than that, you are teaching me that the truth and wisdom mean nothing if they are not put into action in my piece of this world we share. Thank you for continuing the good work started in you. Those who refuse to examine themselves may see you as divisive, but those who are willing to seek a better world see how you are doing the very hard work of uniting us. Thank you!
Hi!
Emotions….when I read your posts and blogs like this, I have one arm in the air, mentally saying, “Go, Deidra! Yes! Tell them!”
Did I feel like this five years ago? No. I remember reading Austin Channing’s book I’m Still Here when it came out and feeling like I was being kicked in the stomach. How dare she?!
I couldn’t pinpoint a moment or week or year when this change came for me, but I know I have grown in my understanding. And I know I’m not done progressing and learning.
Thank you for continuing to engage with and teach us despite everything. I know we can’t stop with learning, but I do continue to learn a lot from you. Thank you.
Holy crap, YES!!! We need this truth in every single corner of our messy lives – most especially the racist/fearful-without-warrant corners. Thank you for stating this honestly, and yes—with grace.
The truth rising up in you, and the ways you are releasing it, are HOLY. Thank you. (And I hope you keep going.)
“I am here to teach you how to see me, just as I am learning how to see you.”
Yes. Learning to see.
Deidra, I could hear your voice so clearly: “People. No.” I probably need to hear it more often.
I’m glad that you aren’t trying to make me feel comfortable. This is one of the safest places for to be while I’m feeling uncomfortable. And I know I have a lot more of that coming. Even with my limited capacity to engage due to my mental/physical health issues these past few years, I am aware that I have a great deal more discomfort to go through. Ever since you made that trip to Ferguson, I’ve been aware that there will be more. Once the initial dross of overt racist beliefs & actions gets wiped away, there will be more. I grew up in the South. My emotional baggage is packed with all kinds of stuff that needs to be taken out and thrown in the rubbish bin.
I’m not being dramatic. I’m stating fact. A few weeks ago I was watching ice hockey, of all things (not big in South Texas), and I had a weird reaction to a black player getting angry – the same way white men were getting angry – and it took me a minute to understand what was happening. I realized that my baggage contained a whole bunch of stereotypes and other crap that I need to unload at a hazmat facility.
So there will be more. You don’t have to make me comfortable. Knowing that Love is here is beyond awesome.
We’re lucky to have you in our ear. I feel your empathy which isn’t deserved. But I’m grateful.