Last February, I got sick with the flu. Or something. It was nasty. It leveled me. And, it wouldn’t let go. For two weeks, I was in my bed, staring at our grey walls, or out the window at the grey sky. H had to work, so I was all alone in our room. All day long. For two weeks.
Then, just as that nasty bug seemed to be losing its grip on me, and just when I thought I might escape the confines of my upstairs bedroom for good, strep throat stepped in, wagged a long index finger in my face, leaned in closely and whispered to some spot between my eyes, “Not so fast, sister-girl.”
It took a long time for my body to recover from that illness. My doctor watched me closely over those long weeks. And, as hard as it was to fight that nasty virus and make my way back to physical health, that struggle didn’t hold a candle to the way that season impacted my mental well-being.
It is not good for us to be alone.
All those days and weeks, alone in my bed, with nothing to keep me company but the thoughts in my head, really did a number on me. I spiraled into a depression that was dark and relentless. For months, after my body had healed, my mind remained trapped in hopelessness and despair. I was unsure there could be any way out of the deep hole I felt I’d fallen into.
As winter gave way to spring, I fought to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I clung, unsuccessfully, to what I wanted to believe about God and faith and promises and hope. I honestly thought I might get swept away.
While all of this was happening, I was working with my editor to get the words of my book polished and shined so we could send them out into the world. She was encouraging and upbeat. I was hopeless and afraid. At one point, I sent an email to my editor, suggesting something like publishing the book under the name, “Anonymous.” I was confident my publisher must be terribly embarrassed by the book and I wanted to give them an out, to help them save face and protect their reputation. And, I wanted the same for myself — an out.
But, my editor insisted she believed in the book. She told me my little book mattered. It matters. And, when I sent that email, offering an out in the best way I knew how, she wrote back, saying, “I was just reading through your book today, and I want to share with you some words I read that might be good for you to see.” And so, she sent me words I’d written months before, but that blessed me in the moment I was in.
It was enough to keep me going for a few hours.
Here’s what I want you to know today. When you follow where God leads you (and, for me, that meant writing this little book), it sometimes means you’ll find yourself in the wilderness. But, being in the wilderness doesn’t necessarily mean you took a wrong turn.
We live our calling in the midst of real life, in a world that is messed up by sin, and in bodies that betray us. We have a real and true enemy who wants nothing more than to see us shut down and wiped out. Often, all he has to do is plant a seed of doubt or fear or condemnation in our hearts. Most of the time, he doesn’t even need to stick around to help us implode because we’ve got enough of our own mental ammunition to take care of that.
If you’re in the wilderness, I want you to know you’re not alone. God has not left you. He is not off in another place, tending to something else, while you languish without hope in the dark. I promise you that. I know from experience it is impossible to believe, but it is true. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep breathing in, and then out again. Let someone know you’re struggling, even if it means sending me an email right now.
One day in April—so many months after I’d first fallen ill, and while I was still struggling to see the light—a package arrived on my doorstep. It was a FedEx envelope, with my book inside. Well, it was a version of my book. It was a stack of 8.5″x11″ papers, with the words of Every Little Thing formatted and ready for one last read before being printed, bound, and sent to the distributors. My job was to read through the book one last time, and make sure all of the i’s were dotted and t’s crossed.
I wrapped myself in a blanket and made my way to the deck on the back of our house. I sat on the top step, in a sliver of sunlight that peeked through the rooftops around me. And, I read the entire book, from beginning to end. As I read, I laughed and I cried and I paused as I let a few words sink into my soul. It was like reading something someone else had written, and it met me right where I was, with just what I needed. When I finished reading the very last word, I said to myself, “Well, if this book does nothing else, it ministered to me today.” And, it had. It still does.
When people post their favorite lines from the book on Facebook or Instagram or on their blogs or in book reviews, I am always astounded by the way those words speak to me. Your calling is as much for you as it is for others.
Every now and then I go to Barnes and Noble, and I stand there and look at that little book on the shelf. Because of where my name falls in the alphabet, my book is always on the bottom shelf. So, I bend over, place my hand on the stack of books, and I pray Every Little Thing makes its way to the people who need the message the most. I hope it makes you laugh, and cry, and pause as the words sink into your soul. And, I pray you know God is with you, through the darkness, and into the light.
I love you, Deidra. You are one of the most authentic, gracious and encouraging people I know. Truly. Though I loved them all, the wilderness chapter was my favorite. There are times when I feel like I’m in the wilderness more often than not, but I know God is with me and will indeed bring me through it and into the light. He does it every time. I have the word “Hope” written on several blackboards throughout my house this week — this first week of Advent. Jesus — the Light of the world IS our true hope. xox
It seems as if that wilderness chapter struck a chord with a lot of people. It was such a revelation to me when I finally understand that God is IN the wilderness, too. He is everywhere—including the wilderness. So much hope in that truth!
I love this so much.
Michelle!!! Hey there! And, thank you. 😉
Beautiful. I love that about journaling, blogging, reflecting. Our words, meant for others, are our own healers. Just beautiful.
Yeah. Isn’t that mysterious? And beautiful.
Oh, you KNOW I love this story! We all need to know that–that God can use you, even you, to minister to…even you!
Amen. I imagine David must have consoled himself with a few of his own Psalms from time to time, right?
Amazing words. Amazing gift. Amazing lady and what an amazing God who empowers the ones who are willing to say what needs to be said, and be brave in the process. You are gifted and blessed and many are encouraging you to press on and do more. You can do it.
Thank you for your constant encouragement through the years, Sharon. I count you as one of my most important sources of support. So very grateful for you!
This makes me cry. And encourages me. And I love you and this post and the book.
Thank you SO much for helping get this little book into the world! God bless you, Mary Bonner!
Ohhh!! Deidra! This one got me today. “Your calling is as much for you as it is for others.” As I prepare for the final discussion of my book at my church tonight your words have touched my soul and reminded me of God’s faithfulness. I join in agreement with you today that the words God has given you will minister to the hearts of others. God bless you!
How did it go???? I saw pictures on FB! Congratulations to you, Kendra. It’s so much fun to watch your ministry grow!
It went very well. It’s exciting to be apart of what God is doing!
So good to hear. It’s fun watching you, from this side of the screen.
Deidra, you made me tear up! I was in the wilderness last evening…on my blog I wrote myself in as Mrs. Grumpbunny as that’s how tired and low I felt due to weather circumstances…..yep…implanted sadness nearly got the best of me. But sleep and Jesus helped me through it. Now it’s a new day. Read an advent devotion at breakfast and it brightened my day. I’m on to better things whatever they may be today and beyond! Thanks for sharing your story, my friend!! Hugs and blessings!
grandmabeckyl.blogspot.com
Oh, I hope today was a good one, Becky! So glad for joy in the morning.
Deidra, this is beautiful. I just handed my computer to Murielle so she could read it because your words are wise and hopeful to those who are in the wilderness. Thanks for being vulnerable.
xoxo
Deidra, I can’t wait to see you again. You are so sweet and so special. Hugs!
(((Melissa))) Hey, girlfriend! I hope you’re doing well!
Thank you for sharing your heart, Deidra, in your book and on your blog. All you write is so meaningful and encouraging to me. I’ve been in the wilderness for a long time, so I am well acquainted with it. I also know that there are wild treasures to be unearthed in darkness. I know that when branches are stripped, one can see bones of clarity and stark beauty. I know there is a Voice in the wilderness like none other–One so clear, so pure that He fills the hollows with hope. I do think one can stay here too long, and lately I’ve been hearing the Voice beckoning me out, His hand reaching across the barren miles to pull me home to “the promised land.” You’re right: One is never alone in the wilderness. God is always with us. I’ve been more alone in a crowded metropolis of noise than I have ever been here. But there is a time to re-emerge and re-enter the fray. I’m so glad that your editor was a voice in your wilderness, beckoning you to birth that little book. (Yeah, I know, birth is never a little thing). But aren’t you glad now that you listened to her boice and obeyed THE Voice, and that you signed your name to the book of your heart? That way, people can reach out to you for further guidance along their own wilderness paths. Wishing you such a blessed Advent.
Love
Lynn
I do think we can get used to the wilderness and think that’s all God has for us. You always make such good points, Lynn. The wilderness has its role to play, but there is even more for us on the other side of that journey through.
I love that, Deidra….more on the other side. Now that is a real encouragement to move forward (and upward and onward). Bless you!
I’m making my way through “your little book” as you call it and it is wonderful. Thank you for sharing both your book and this post today. I’ve been through the long, dark wilderness in the last year and it is amazing how your own words can lift you up and shine a light in dark places.
Thank you for just being wonderful you!
I want you to know you’ve been on my mind quite a bit over the past few months. I’ve been holding you in my heart, and lifting you up in my prayers. Much love to you, Eyvonne. xoxo
Oh, then we need to talk. You’ve been on my mind a great deal too!
I love this! I remember Rebekah helping me when I published my first book, Faithbook of Jesus, when she was my editor at NavPress. Great thoughts here.
I’ve been so fortunate to have Rebekah as my editor. She’s a gift, that’s for sure!
Love you, Deidra. Thank you for sharing this and offering to be a friend to those in the wilderness of depression.
In my darkest hour, I had 2 friends who were both out of work at the time who just showed up to keep comapny wtih me every day at my house for 2 weeks while Bruce was working. They taught me to play Skip Bo. They brought a guitar and encouraged me to sing. They sat with me and told me that I would get better. I will never forget their kindness.
Have you read Parker J. Palmer’s book, Let Your Life Speak? In it, he talks about a dark season of depression that he experienced. During that time, one friend would come to visit him. Often the friend wouldn’t say anything at all. Sometimes, the friend would rub Parker’s feet. Sometimes, the friend would simply say, “I can tell you’re struggling today.” And that friend helped Parker make it through to the other side. There is so much that we don’t understand about the power of presence and kindness. I’m so glad your two friends were there for you. Praise God!
Haven’t read it. Added it to my wish list last night. Thanks for pointing me toward it. xo
So grateful you shared this experience. And the book. It’s sitting on my desk waiting to be read on Christmas break. I cannot wait for it. Seems perfect to have to wait as we are in this season of waiting. Advent. So grateful our Lord came that day so long ago and keeps on coming to us – each and every time we need Him. Blessings!
I love that my book is waiting for you in the season! I pray it blesses you.
Thank you for sharing this back story on your wonderful book, because it brought back for me the experience of reading it and pondering it. It’s helpful to know that even in the midst of such a hugely positive event (Publishing a book!!!!), the darkness can creep up on us and make us feel like losers, and that finding our way back to the light is all of grace.
Losers, with a capital “L.” Yes, we sure can feel that way, and our feelings are often so very strong, that they block the way to the light. Thank God for grace, indeed!
Deidra, I feel like I could have written this post. Our stories are very similar. From two weeks after I told God I would be obedient to write the book He put on my heart, the warfare has been strong, and just seems to get stronger the closer we are to its release. I don’t wish this on anyone, but I’m grateful you shared it here so that I could be comforted in knowing that I’m not the only one fighting the enemy through my obedience. The fight is long and hard, but I’ve read the end of the book…both the Bible and my book, and I know who wins. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, via Voxer (for some reason, I can’t seem to vox you back). I so appreciate that reached out to me that way, and so much of what you said is exactly what I need to hear. Peace to you, sister!
Amen! We know who wins!
Deidra, Joining the conversation because of Dr. Michelle Bengston. I had to order the book looking forward to the read during my up coming vacation. Blessings Diana
I’m so glad you’re here! I pray the book blesses you, even if just a little bit.
“We have a real and true enemy who wants nothing more than to see us shut down and wiped out. Often, all he has to do is plant a seed of doubt or fear or condemnation in our hearts. Most of the time, he doesn’t even need to stick around to help us implode because we’ve got enough of our own mental ammunition to take care of that.”
Thank you for your words, Deidra. I am in the midst of this mind game now and am having trouble finding my way out or waiting for God to bring me out, and being okay with the in between. I appreciate you.
Jesus loves you, this I know.
For the bible tells me so.
Little ones to him belong.
We are weak, but he is strong.
Sometimes those words are all I’ve got. So, I’m singing them to you, and for you today. Peace to you, Julie. Praying for you in the journey.